I am going to call my first lover Jay. He was my first everything. My first love, the one who has my virginity, the one who was my first everything. We met in high school lol
Karina was a 16 year old girl who was into many things. At the time, I had long black hair, my spiderbites, gauges, skinny jeans and vans LOL I loved hello kitty and loved smoking pot. I was stealing shit always on some bebe kids shit bombing in day light, just finding a rush out of something. This is when I started to experiment with drugs and sex and anything my curious mind can seek a thrill in. I was also rowdy af so I was def on one. I also liked chilling in the hood LOL My best friend at the time was a Maniac. They all were my childhood friends so I was accepted by them.
Jay was nothing like a hood a nigga LOL My preference in a man was always someone who is bigger than me or can feel protected by.
Jay fulfilled me in so many ways. We both liked the same music and would like any songs I would. He had pretty black eyes with lashes that made him look like a sad sam puppy. He had these dimples that I adored and wanted it passed on to my child. He is the first person I trusted after my dad. He was not a virgin, but I was. He was so sweet and always wanted to make me not feel rushed or uncomfortable. My first time was so special and I can at least say I was in love. It was nothing like the movies cause then is when I realized I was a masochist LMFAO. I think it was something I been wanting to experience but I always waited for someone to come along who I can trust.
This is when I learned to trust red flags and just listen to what someone says and not trying to paint my own picture from it.
He told me he has never fallen in love so fast before. For me he fell SO FAST. But, he gets tired of people fast because he doesn't know what he wants. He doesn't want to hurt me but feels like he will.
Jay was super friendly, which is what I admire in someone. I usually watch how one treats others. But he seemed to flirt with everyone he wanted to because he was existing. He was young and so was i. And idk why I felt like I had to stay with him since I could never get my virginity back. Who the fuck was I kidding lol It is not like that would make him love me more or anything.
We lasted about 7 months in a honey moon stage but things started to get rocky and what he said would happen, did he got bored of me. I questioned my worth so much, but then knew I was the shit lol
More happened between me and jay after than during our relationship
long story short, we were good friends but we would still hook up and it was hella confusing. We were doing lots of experimenting with drugs that made us feel closer but it was all a mind game. I loved him more and more and he kept being the free spirit he was. It was painful but I learned how to love myself. I was so young when all this happened.
Thursday, April 30, 2020
To my past lovers...
Life has many meanings but I am a firm believer that a life without love is not a life worth having. I have so much love inside me for so many things. I like to think of myself as a divine creature that finds the beauty in almost anything. Love can be one of the best things to experience in life as well as something that can be so painful. So painful, it taints ones destiny to fulfill the thoughts and plans of life.
I, myself have gone through it way too many times. It is one of my downfalls as well as giving my life much meaning. We share the world with so many people. Some people are beautiful and some people just have terrible values. The possibilities of the world keep me hopeful.
I think my first heartbreaks started with friends I thought I would be my friends forever. I have made valuable connections with interesting people who I like to call my gems in life. If you are someone who is close to me, you can count on me to catch you when you fall with no judgement. I will remind you who you are and to stay true to yourself when times get hard. I will have an open heart and mind and cherish you as you are. I will never change someone. You can cry on me. You can trust me. I will also always be transparent and truthful. I think the foundation of knowing how to care for someone starts with an unconditional love a friend can give. I cannot understand how some people can care way too much and even be judgemental over someone they openly cherish. People are weird....
I have been in 4 relationships that have impacted my life dramatically. Each one must have lasted between 2-3 years. I first fell in love when I was about 16. From 16-26 is the amount of time I spent dating. I did have breaks between but they weren't long, except in the beginning.
I want to elaborate on events that have happened in between.
This is what has molded my thoughts and views on how I want to be treated and how I don't. How I should treat someone and how I shouldn't. How I should love someone and how to not get lost in them. To the men who couldn't handle my love, I forgive you. But you don't ever forget them.
I, myself have gone through it way too many times. It is one of my downfalls as well as giving my life much meaning. We share the world with so many people. Some people are beautiful and some people just have terrible values. The possibilities of the world keep me hopeful.
I think my first heartbreaks started with friends I thought I would be my friends forever. I have made valuable connections with interesting people who I like to call my gems in life. If you are someone who is close to me, you can count on me to catch you when you fall with no judgement. I will remind you who you are and to stay true to yourself when times get hard. I will have an open heart and mind and cherish you as you are. I will never change someone. You can cry on me. You can trust me. I will also always be transparent and truthful. I think the foundation of knowing how to care for someone starts with an unconditional love a friend can give. I cannot understand how some people can care way too much and even be judgemental over someone they openly cherish. People are weird....
I have been in 4 relationships that have impacted my life dramatically. Each one must have lasted between 2-3 years. I first fell in love when I was about 16. From 16-26 is the amount of time I spent dating. I did have breaks between but they weren't long, except in the beginning.
I want to elaborate on events that have happened in between.
This is what has molded my thoughts and views on how I want to be treated and how I don't. How I should treat someone and how I shouldn't. How I should love someone and how to not get lost in them. To the men who couldn't handle my love, I forgive you. But you don't ever forget them.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Creations
To someone who is really talented it looks like shit lol. But yes, this is a thought expressed in a different manner. I been so in balance with myself I feel I gained my artistic mojo back. I am going to conserve this feeling as long as I can. I want to be able to paint the canvases in my own home. My sister was never an artsy girl. One summer she spend it in her room. At the end of the summer she showed me why she stood in her room. She did a portrait of me in pencil. A really nice portrait too. I believe in the law of attraction. Also the responses the universe gives you. I will get better :)
I use to think i couldnt live without you
I use to think someone completed me.
I use to think that I was not existent without him.
I use to think I was worthless.
I use to give you my inner peace.
Funny how shit changes.
You're a part of my life, not my life.
I can breathe.
I can do things with out you.
I can smile without you being the reason.
I have a purpose.
I live my purpose.
I embrace it everyday
You're part of the reason why I live my purpose
You let me help you.
And I did
I use to think that I was not existent without him.
I use to think I was worthless.
I use to give you my inner peace.
Funny how shit changes.
You're a part of my life, not my life.
I can breathe.
I can do things with out you.
I can smile without you being the reason.
I have a purpose.
I live my purpose.
I embrace it everyday
You're part of the reason why I live my purpose
You let me help you.
And I did
Proffesion
I decided not to study psychology. I feel as if I naturally have the instinct to help people and I have. I feel my wisdom is strong enough to fix people on my own time. What we need to focus on is youth and remind children to take their time growing up.
I want our new generation to be better than ours. Our target is children.
What's better than being these childrens influence. I want to be the teacher a child never forgets, their favorite. I'll have a blast observing my students. My atmosphere is nothing but a bunch of naturally tripping mini people lol lovely.
:)
I want our new generation to be better than ours. Our target is children.
What's better than being these childrens influence. I want to be the teacher a child never forgets, their favorite. I'll have a blast observing my students. My atmosphere is nothing but a bunch of naturally tripping mini people lol lovely.
:)
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Tumblr post from 3 months ago, this person died
Why do the randomest shit happens to me?
I had a very very interesting weekend. It all started by going to visit Erick. It was a very pleasant visit, we got to catch up, saw his mom and his brother and then Adrian came over. I missed him. Adrian & Erick dropped me off at aumi’s. Erick is such a sweetheart. he gave us 5 rolls for 45 lmao.
I got to aumi’s and ben was there with his usual shit that he has villes and shit. BUST EM OUT THEN! Andrea(ganayaya) came over with his two friends adre and idr other dudes name lol. They had a massive amount of cocaine. We we’re smoking weed and I did about a line or 2. So we head over to the party and didn’t get in cus it was packed and it didn’t look worth our time, so we left. We go to another party and saw a couple of old friends I haven’t seen since I raved. Rave after parties are even lame as fuck! The house was interesting though because it was an actual home so they had lots of painting to look at. I thought it was hilarious that they have speakers In their washroom so when the dj was spinning, I could hear him while I potty hahhaha
Then Lady raven showed up, I actually wanted to see her spin but we left. We go to burleys house, THAT WAS HIS NAME!! He had an interesting home. So we all go and take our rolls and they had theirs. It was a relaxing roll. I had an interesting convo with andre about ATB. He was really cool.
Burley and Andrea leave to pickup some bud. Burley had a big ass piece of gum dipped in acid atleast 10 times. He left it out for a couple days so he thinks the acid disintegrated. But there was only one way to find out, he dosed me and aumi and yupp that shit worked. And it was lucy too. I wouldn’t call it a pleasant experience though. I was in a crowded room, overflowing with thoughts. When I was on acid I couldn’t connect with my surroundings for a while. I didn’t talk for a while which is unusual.
On the daily everyone has a battle to fight, at least I think so. I fight with Rambo everyday. He makes me confused to the point I don’t even know what emotion I am trying to express. I confuse sadness and anger. I cant cry. As much as I try I cant, I wish I could though. It usually makes me feel better. I don’t know how to release tension so out of instinct I punch shit. I don’t want to do that because lately I been fucking my hands up, with my way of thinking i’m sure that ill break it one day. Last week I thought I did because it got swollen.
Let me explain my trip
I began to have a mental trip. Thinking very pleasant thoughts then out of no where I got trippier and began to think a lot. The voice in your head gets a lot louder. It felt like Rambo was trying to split my soul apart. He tends to say some bogus as shit. At that moment I was broke. I hate to think how much society has got the best of me. I began to think about money and all the goals I want to achieve require lots of it. I began to feel broke as hell and began to think how much my life revolves around it, I fucking hate it. I began to think about college and wished how I was smarter. I began to think about the boy I like and questioned my appearance. I wish I had the money to look nicer and own nicer things. I began to think about who I am. Am I content with it? Should I be nicer? Will that make me an easy target for people? Then it made me think if selfishness. I was on the path to making everything happen but over someone’s selfishness I couldn’t :( damn you ugly manager of mine. I Really don’t want to have to sell drugs to make ends meet. It makes me paranoid as shit sometimes. Some people say too much over the phone or act too loud in public. We’re not dealing with weed here..A different level of schedule drugs. Stupid as money. I just want to finish school (not so smart), move out my parents house (money), Get a job(money) and move to California(money)
I sometimes have the thought that I underestimate myself, But that is the daily battle I have. I cant cry, and I have one thought after another pileing up like a game of jenga. I have a VERY powerful mind though, I should learn to use It in a positive way, but that Is my daily battle. I seriously feel like I’ve been depressed for a while but I don’t like showing it because I don’t want others to absorb the negative energy I am sending. At this point I am fucking going insane in my head. I think I have strong mental, life is a balance. I honestly feel like my thoughts are a game of jenga, I feel I am capable to taking one block and making the whole thing collapse like the actual game. I feel like if I let go, I can completely fall into insanity. No its not the drugs, I can pull that switch sober. Then I began to think about the guy I like and how he told me that day he was moving to vegas. That shit just weirded me the fuck out. I don’t even wanna get into that.
I felt weird as shit around people in that mindset. I love aumi, I feel like she can sense it. But at that point,i couldn’t even connect with her. I ate a brownie with a little bit of mushrooms and then I felt relaxed but still thinking. Me and aumi left around 6 am. Ben stayed there idk why all drunk and coked out lmfao Goddamit does Andre love cocaine. I accept everyone for who they are because most drug users I know doesn’t make then all they are, it just adds on to their personality.
I couldn’t connect with aumi until we arrived at her house. I began to cry a river. My tears we’re hitting the floor, something I been wanting for so long. I love lucy she makes me feel more humanistic after I trip. I Think something’s psychologically wrong with me. I think I need therapy, but with what money. I am too prideful to ask my parents for money. I’m about to be 20, its not their responsibility to give me money when I have a job. Me and aumi began to talk about everything, I felt connected to her. I changed mindsets. That what real friends are for, they say the right things to make you feel better. She said she never had a friend who is as good to her as I. I never had one that is as good to me as her. We wanna be friends forever in this lifetime and travel and do all sorts of shit. She battles with the money issue to. She really doesn’t wanna enlist but she cant afford college. She wants to study something that benefits the world but makes no money from it really, she truly is an angel. I wish I wasn’t so selfish sometimes. I Wish I could stop eating meat lol But I cant.. I wish I wasn’t selfish in other ways. Things started to look brighter after we talked and such. Thank you lucy, but most importantly thank you Aumi.
I was tripping still like at 10 am. I had no sleep and was gonna work till 5 am that day. I went to work feeling like I had a good rest even though I couldn’t hide the bags under my eyes, told you I have a strong mental.
I had a very very interesting weekend. It all started by going to visit Erick. It was a very pleasant visit, we got to catch up, saw his mom and his brother and then Adrian came over. I missed him. Adrian & Erick dropped me off at aumi’s. Erick is such a sweetheart. he gave us 5 rolls for 45 lmao.
I got to aumi’s and ben was there with his usual shit that he has villes and shit. BUST EM OUT THEN! Andrea(ganayaya) came over with his two friends adre and idr other dudes name lol. They had a massive amount of cocaine. We we’re smoking weed and I did about a line or 2. So we head over to the party and didn’t get in cus it was packed and it didn’t look worth our time, so we left. We go to another party and saw a couple of old friends I haven’t seen since I raved. Rave after parties are even lame as fuck! The house was interesting though because it was an actual home so they had lots of painting to look at. I thought it was hilarious that they have speakers In their washroom so when the dj was spinning, I could hear him while I potty hahhaha
Then Lady raven showed up, I actually wanted to see her spin but we left. We go to burleys house, THAT WAS HIS NAME!! He had an interesting home. So we all go and take our rolls and they had theirs. It was a relaxing roll. I had an interesting convo with andre about ATB. He was really cool.
Burley and Andrea leave to pickup some bud. Burley had a big ass piece of gum dipped in acid atleast 10 times. He left it out for a couple days so he thinks the acid disintegrated. But there was only one way to find out, he dosed me and aumi and yupp that shit worked. And it was lucy too. I wouldn’t call it a pleasant experience though. I was in a crowded room, overflowing with thoughts. When I was on acid I couldn’t connect with my surroundings for a while. I didn’t talk for a while which is unusual.
On the daily everyone has a battle to fight, at least I think so. I fight with Rambo everyday. He makes me confused to the point I don’t even know what emotion I am trying to express. I confuse sadness and anger. I cant cry. As much as I try I cant, I wish I could though. It usually makes me feel better. I don’t know how to release tension so out of instinct I punch shit. I don’t want to do that because lately I been fucking my hands up, with my way of thinking i’m sure that ill break it one day. Last week I thought I did because it got swollen.
Let me explain my trip
I began to have a mental trip. Thinking very pleasant thoughts then out of no where I got trippier and began to think a lot. The voice in your head gets a lot louder. It felt like Rambo was trying to split my soul apart. He tends to say some bogus as shit. At that moment I was broke. I hate to think how much society has got the best of me. I began to think about money and all the goals I want to achieve require lots of it. I began to feel broke as hell and began to think how much my life revolves around it, I fucking hate it. I began to think about college and wished how I was smarter. I began to think about the boy I like and questioned my appearance. I wish I had the money to look nicer and own nicer things. I began to think about who I am. Am I content with it? Should I be nicer? Will that make me an easy target for people? Then it made me think if selfishness. I was on the path to making everything happen but over someone’s selfishness I couldn’t :( damn you ugly manager of mine. I Really don’t want to have to sell drugs to make ends meet. It makes me paranoid as shit sometimes. Some people say too much over the phone or act too loud in public. We’re not dealing with weed here..A different level of schedule drugs. Stupid as money. I just want to finish school (not so smart), move out my parents house (money), Get a job(money) and move to California(money)
I sometimes have the thought that I underestimate myself, But that is the daily battle I have. I cant cry, and I have one thought after another pileing up like a game of jenga. I have a VERY powerful mind though, I should learn to use It in a positive way, but that Is my daily battle. I seriously feel like I’ve been depressed for a while but I don’t like showing it because I don’t want others to absorb the negative energy I am sending. At this point I am fucking going insane in my head. I think I have strong mental, life is a balance. I honestly feel like my thoughts are a game of jenga, I feel I am capable to taking one block and making the whole thing collapse like the actual game. I feel like if I let go, I can completely fall into insanity. No its not the drugs, I can pull that switch sober. Then I began to think about the guy I like and how he told me that day he was moving to vegas. That shit just weirded me the fuck out. I don’t even wanna get into that.
I felt weird as shit around people in that mindset. I love aumi, I feel like she can sense it. But at that point,i couldn’t even connect with her. I ate a brownie with a little bit of mushrooms and then I felt relaxed but still thinking. Me and aumi left around 6 am. Ben stayed there idk why all drunk and coked out lmfao Goddamit does Andre love cocaine. I accept everyone for who they are because most drug users I know doesn’t make then all they are, it just adds on to their personality.
I couldn’t connect with aumi until we arrived at her house. I began to cry a river. My tears we’re hitting the floor, something I been wanting for so long. I love lucy she makes me feel more humanistic after I trip. I Think something’s psychologically wrong with me. I think I need therapy, but with what money. I am too prideful to ask my parents for money. I’m about to be 20, its not their responsibility to give me money when I have a job. Me and aumi began to talk about everything, I felt connected to her. I changed mindsets. That what real friends are for, they say the right things to make you feel better. She said she never had a friend who is as good to her as I. I never had one that is as good to me as her. We wanna be friends forever in this lifetime and travel and do all sorts of shit. She battles with the money issue to. She really doesn’t wanna enlist but she cant afford college. She wants to study something that benefits the world but makes no money from it really, she truly is an angel. I wish I wasn’t so selfish sometimes. I Wish I could stop eating meat lol But I cant.. I wish I wasn’t selfish in other ways. Things started to look brighter after we talked and such. Thank you lucy, but most importantly thank you Aumi.
I was tripping still like at 10 am. I had no sleep and was gonna work till 5 am that day. I went to work feeling like I had a good rest even though I couldn’t hide the bags under my eyes, told you I have a strong mental.
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