Creations

To someone who is really talented it looks like shit lol. But yes, this is a thought expressed in a different manner. I been so in balance with myself I feel I gained my artistic mojo back. I am going to conserve this feeling as long as I can. I want to be able to paint the canvases in my own home. My sister was never an artsy girl. One summer she spend it in her room. At the end of the summer she showed me why she stood in her room. She did a portrait of me in pencil. A really nice portrait too. I believe in the law of attraction. Also the responses the universe gives you. I will get better :)

 

 

I use to think i couldnt live without you

I use to think someone completed me.
I use to think that I was not existent without him.
I use to think I was worthless.
I use to give you my inner peace.

Funny how shit changes.

You're a part of my life, not my life.
I can breathe.
I can do things with out you.
I can smile without you being the reason.
I have a purpose.
I live my purpose.
I embrace it everyday
You're part of the reason why I live my purpose
You let me help you.
And I did

Proffesion

 I decided  not to study psychology. I feel as if I naturally have the instinct to help people and I have. I feel my wisdom is strong enough to fix people on my own time. What we need to focus on is youth and remind children to take their time growing up.
I want our new generation to be better than ours. Our target is children.
What's better than being these childrens influence. I want to be the teacher a child never forgets, their favorite. I'll have a blast observing my students. My atmosphere is nothing but a bunch of naturally tripping mini people lol lovely.

:)

Tumblr post from 3 months ago, this person died

Why do the randomest shit happens to me?
I had a very very interesting weekend. It all started by going to visit Erick. It was a very pleasant visit, we got to catch up, saw his mom and his brother and then Adrian came over. I missed him. Adrian & Erick dropped me off at aumi’s. Erick is such a sweetheart. he gave us 5  rolls for 45 lmao.
I got to aumi’s and ben was there with his usual shit that he has villes and shit. BUST EM OUT THEN! Andrea(ganayaya) came over with his two friends adre and idr other dudes name lol. They had a massive amount of cocaine. We we’re smoking weed and I did about a line or 2. So we head over to the party and didn’t get in cus it was packed and it didn’t look worth our time, so we left. We go to another party and saw a couple of old friends I haven’t seen since I raved. Rave after parties are even lame as fuck! The house was interesting though because it was an actual home so they had lots of painting to look at. I thought it was hilarious that they have speakers In their washroom so when the dj was spinning, I could hear him while I potty hahhaha
Then Lady raven showed up, I actually wanted to see her spin but we left. We go to burleys house, THAT WAS HIS NAME!! He had an interesting home. So we all go and take our rolls and they had theirs. It was a relaxing roll. I had an interesting convo with andre about ATB. He was really cool.
 Burley and Andrea leave to pickup some bud. Burley had a big ass piece of gum dipped in acid atleast 10 times. He left it out for a couple days so he thinks the acid disintegrated. But there was only one way to find out, he dosed me and aumi and yupp that shit worked. And it was lucy too. I wouldn’t call it a pleasant experience though. I was in a crowded room, overflowing with thoughts. When I was on acid I couldn’t connect with my surroundings for a while. I didn’t talk for a while which is unusual.
On the daily everyone has a battle to fight, at least I think so. I fight with Rambo everyday. He makes me confused to the point I don’t even know what emotion I am trying to express. I confuse sadness and anger. I cant cry. As much as I try I cant, I wish I could though. It usually makes me feel better. I don’t know how to release tension so out of instinct I punch shit. I don’t want to do that because lately I been fucking my hands up, with my way of thinking i’m sure that ill break it one day. Last week I thought I did because it got swollen.
Let me explain my trip
I began to have a mental trip. Thinking very pleasant thoughts then out of no where I got trippier and began to think a lot. The voice in your head gets a lot louder. It felt like Rambo was trying to split my soul apart. He tends to say some bogus as shit. At that moment I was broke. I hate to think how much society has got the best of me. I began to think about money and all the goals I want to achieve require lots of it. I began to feel broke as hell and began to think how much my life revolves around it, I fucking hate it. I began to think about college and wished how I was smarter. I began to think about the boy I like and questioned my appearance. I wish I had the money to look nicer and own nicer things. I began to think about who I am. Am I content with it? Should I be nicer? Will that make me an easy target for people? Then it made me think if selfishness. I was on the path to making everything happen but over someone’s selfishness I couldn’t :( damn you ugly manager of mine. I Really don’t want to have to sell drugs to make ends meet. It makes me paranoid as shit sometimes. Some people say too much over the phone or act too loud in public. We’re not dealing with weed here..A different level of schedule drugs. Stupid as money. I just want to finish school (not so smart), move out my parents house (money), Get a job(money) and move to California(money)
I sometimes have the thought that I underestimate myself, But that is the daily battle I have. I cant cry, and I have one thought after another pileing up like a game of jenga. I have a VERY powerful mind though, I should learn to use It in a positive way, but that Is my daily battle. I seriously feel like I’ve been depressed for a while but I don’t like showing it because I don’t want others to absorb the negative energy I am sending. At this point I am  fucking going insane in my head. I think I have strong mental, life is a balance. I honestly feel like my thoughts are a game of jenga, I feel I am capable to taking one block and making the whole thing collapse like the actual game. I feel like if I let go, I can completely fall into insanity. No its not the drugs, I can pull that switch sober. Then I began to think about the guy I like and how he told me that day he was moving to vegas. That shit just weirded me the fuck out. I don’t even wanna get into that.
I felt weird as shit around people in that mindset. I love aumi, I feel like she can sense it. But at that point,i couldn’t even connect with her. I ate a brownie with a little bit of mushrooms and then I felt relaxed but still thinking. Me and aumi left around 6 am. Ben stayed there idk why all drunk and coked out lmfao Goddamit does Andre love cocaine. I accept everyone for who they are because most drug users I know doesn’t make then all they are, it just adds on to their personality.
I couldn’t connect with aumi until we arrived at her house. I began to cry a river. My tears we’re hitting the floor, something I been wanting for so long. I love lucy she makes me feel more humanistic after I trip. I Think something’s psychologically wrong with me. I think I need therapy, but with what money. I am too prideful to ask my parents for money. I’m about to be 20, its not their responsibility to give me money when I have a job. Me and aumi began to talk about everything, I felt connected to her. I changed mindsets. That what real friends are for, they say the right things to make you feel better. She said she never had a friend who is as good to her as I. I never had one that is as good to me as her. We wanna be friends forever in this lifetime and travel and do all sorts of shit. She battles with the money issue to. She really doesn’t wanna enlist but she cant afford college. She wants to study something that benefits the world but makes no money from it really, she truly is an angel. I wish I wasn’t so selfish sometimes. I Wish I could stop eating meat lol But I cant.. I wish I wasn’t selfish in other ways. Things started to look brighter after we talked and such. Thank you lucy, but most importantly thank you Aumi.
I was tripping still like at 10 am. I had no sleep and was gonna work till 5 am that day. I went to work feeling like I had a good rest even though I couldn’t hide the bags under my eyes, told you I have a strong mental.

BITCHEZZZ

lmfao if only

I've never been connected to academics

Which is why sometimes I doubt myself in my profession. I really want to do psychology but sometimes I double think it. Which I should take as a sign.
I feel I practice the moral of therapy everyday: Helping someone
What if I don't want to psychology? What I ultimately want is to help people and give them a better direction in life.

I'm glad my parents support me in ant career chose. If I said I wanted to pursue my career in like film or photography, they would support me. Not that I'm into any of those things lol But a lot of people pressure their children into getting a career career. Not a hobby.
My parents would, because they just want me to be happy doing something I love.

What I love is giving people an awakening

I do it daily now. I spread it through my stickers which is what my energy is mostly aimed at now a days. But I do try spirituality connect with someone on the daily verbally.
The other day I changed life perspectives with an old friend and our beliefs are totally different. She gained knowledge on my perspective and opened her mind to the idea I have.
Yesterday I Asked my mom "What do you think will happen once we die"
She said "We leave our body but I'm not sure where we will go"

I explained my beliefs how we are an energy and what we let out are vibrations which is what responds. I feel like since I gained the secret to the universe I really am in control. Also because I am always in balance. My energy is always restored daily and not to mention the cleansings I do with my crystals. Spirituality is not a religion. Its the path to your getting in touch with yourself.
Religion is something that upsets me sometimes and how gullible people are to believe in one thing when they know nothing about the others. Why praise someone your not educated about?
If only they knew its themselves helping themselves, not the lord.
My moms not religious so this wasn't a problem.
I told her all the gods people believe in are gods because they had a higher power and used it for good and turned the life around for people which is why they praise them..in their time.
Do you know how long ago this earth was created? How many events have happened?
I don't think people give enough credit to the sun and moon. They are my rulers.
The sun shines and the moon illuminates our nights, our source of light.
It is what restores me in the day time and at night when I sleep.

I told my mom its hard being a human being if she has noticed. I explained to her how id rather be a stray dog in this city. Animals don't think about money or time. They don't care what they look like either. They're  free. I explained how what if a house dog who has it all is an orphan boy who died that always wanted a home. He would be recarnated into something
It changed her outlook on animals. I tell her that my friends pets I feel connected to as if they were their siblings or child. I love bibi,pepper,puchy,toby,lego,blackie,max,kylie and loue so much. Theyre all friends to me. Their not JUST animals. Their souls trapped in an animals body. It makes them an animal to wanna hump like lego lmfao. Imagine if lego was a person AND BIBI !!! lmao omg im dying. I told my mom we have to be kind to all animals. I told her about my friend aumi and how she believes shes an earth worm before. I told her I believe I was once a panda bear.
After I explained ALL my beliefs, she says "I think I was a cat before" lol:) SHES SO FUCKING CUTE

I feel like my parents have been sleeping for so long. Everyone needs an awakening. Especially them since their older.
I think they will get it when they retire, when they feel they kicked lifes ass. They raised some good kids. I'm content with how things are. Me putting out these positive vibrations everyday pay me back in one way or another. I'd still do it even if I got nothing in return. :)

Flowcean

10:26pm

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Flowboy Alliswell

i cried SO many times from joy today heheheh thru all the spiritual context i put myself thru and the connections i made, not even talking in reality but just tpying on facebookk, sucha a bueaitufl thing

lmao I love my friends.
Matthew probably woulda been like the fuck.

I love how some people can just be people :)
But he must of been really happy. I haven't cried out of joy since Christmas. It was uncontrollable and beautiful.



 

I sometimes hate

That I was too prideful to ask my parents for money at an early age. I accept it but wish I could have been different to see the kind of person i'd be. As a child I feel our minds are more aware yet again more curious then anything. Sometimes I wish I would of asked to enroll me in art classes or some kind of dance or influenced me to play an instrument.
As a kid I always saw how on tv parents were bothered when their child asked for things like that because they'd after say "Do you remember when you wanted to do ballet, or gymnastics or piano lessons" Years later I see the beauty in it. A young innocent mind wandering and exploring the different ideas of fulfilling happiness hoping they'll fall in love with one of them.

I use to always think it was a bad thing.
I often heard my parents stories on how we had it so good because my mom use to use rocks as dolls because they were so poor. I use to have a Barbie dream house with cars and multiple dolls. I had all the toys I wanted because my dad would offer to take us to toys r us on the weekends. I always accepted my parents gifts but I always felt weird asking for things.
As weird as it sounds id feel my soul tare apart when id tell my dad I wanted a PlayStation or something and he would say no. It was usually really The feeling of getting said no to really hurt. It was usually things that were overly priced or an electronic. Im not sure what it is but its like my parents implanted several ideas into my head. I think that was one of them.
I always wanted to do ballet when I was little. My sister thought it was stupid, she's someone who also made things sound silly to me, so silly I'd believe them.
I'd always fear my parents would say no. Them saying no ment only one thing, It's not worth paying the money.
I just never bothered to ask. I wish I did, I wonder if my fresh little mind would of fell in love with something that I could of said "oh I been doing this for 12 years"

When I was 15 I asked for therapy and my mom said No. She thought I was okay.
At that time ms.cooper opened up my mind to therapy. I began to talk to her because my teacher knew I was off.
I felt..bad. It made me feel right about all those times I refused to speak my mind.

I really feel like I need to get away from my family. Not because I hate them but because I love them. I cant transition into the person I want with them trying to make me feel as what I do is wrong.

My sister is someone who is still the same little girl I use to play with. My sister has honestly put me through so much, emotionally. She still does because she is the only person who makes me lose control within myself. She is the only person when she talks I just wanna bash every idea she has. Because I feel everything she has to say is stupid, possibly cus it is.
I always try to talk to her but she just doesn't seem interested. When she talks to me she seems so exited to talk about our childhood when im just like ehh. I love and hate her all at the same time.
Sometimes I wonder why she is the way she is. Shes been that way ever since we were younger.
I sometimes feel the intimidation of my cousin made her feel that way.  My cousin apparently pisses glitter now lmao
It's crazy giving your soul to someone else. Letting them have control over it when you don't even know it.

Today I see things differently. Even though I dislike her most of the time I try my hardest not to let her control me. She is the only person I snapp at without having a control over it. I got better at that but she makes me forget. She also made me realize through her example that she is someone I never wish to be. I feel as she finds excitement in negativity or maybe shes misunderstood.
ill never know, everytime I ask she shuts me down. I feel bad for her.
My parents kinda just learnd to accept her when they should have been trying to change it.
I remember telling my mom when I was little that she needed anger management. I was tired of physically fighting with her when she was gone at work or in general. I wish she didn't ignore my request. maybe she would of been better now.

I sometimes wanna remind my mom about this but im afraid of hurting her feelings and making her feel she failed as a parent.

I use to look at them and wanted to be the opposite. They seemed too uptight and cared about the wrong things. sometimes I wish they didn't have kids so early so they would of enjoyed their years. Sometimes I feel that doesn't exist in their world.

I take them all as an example of who I don't want to be, just in that category.
My dad is one of the most intelligent people I know. Intelligence isn't measured by the amount of books you read. My dad didn't even finish grammer school...
but knows how to do all sorts of things that require material I learned at school. Where did he learn it from then? Intelligent man. I mean come onnnn he can like build a fucking house lmao

My mother is just an angel. She is such a momma bear :)
I don't want to make my parents seem like they're bad people, im just focusing on their flaws as of now.
I accepted my past because I grew from it. I didn't get influenced by my sister to become like her.
I snapped out of it after a while and stop letting her control me so much.
I know the pleasures of life and found out what I like and don't.
I don't need therapy anymore. I did it all on my own.

I've never felt so in control with my life. Its been a long strange trip

Adolesence

When I talk to Aumi and who I use to be and how I perceived myself is such a mind fuck. Because I have no energy to be that person again. Sometimes I feel like if the right person does the wrong thing it can get me there again. Being so scared of the world and knowing human beings are cruel. I always felt like someone was out to intentionally hurt me.
I think of my old friends and how we no longer hold a close bond. Its still all love because I randomly pop up and tell them that I love them and miss them. But not enough to go see them, realistically. I think that's what that means even if we don't wanna admit it.
Kevin never wanted to come visit me and I feel like that's why we fell apart. Not that he had bad intentions, he was just lazy lol.
Andrea now has a baby girl. I see her like every 6 months but as of lately I haven't seen her. Its always been a problem to see her. Her friendship is one I do miss. I've never found anyone like it again.
We use to take tons of pictures and stay on the phone for hours. We'd 3 way call the boys we liked and stayed on mute. We made fun of the guys we liked. We liked the same guys and never found it weird lmao. she would always come over after school. I liked going to school cause of her. Id text her all day in class my freshman year. I got her to try pot for her first time with me lol She was such an angel, she would do about almost anything for me.
My parents adore her.

I'm not saying that my friends don't amount to her but its a different kind of friendship.
The kind you cant repeat because of the time it took place.
I can no longer gain my grammar school days, that person no longer exist.

I remember trying to distance myself from her because I felt it was too good to be true that a good person came into my life. It was fucking weird. But it didn't work. She was ment to stay.

She now has a baby girl. We had lunch when she was pregnant and told me everything as I did the same. It feels awesome not seeing someone for a while, I feel I have more to say than I already do.
Men are such douchebags, her daughter is beautiful. She was big brown eyes :)
She will start working at a hospital by my house. So I can see her more often.
Good news to lighten up my day.

I feel im on the path to find my inner peace because I don't want to live how I use to. I often feel I will fall into insanity if the right event to trigger it happens. It haunts me that day will come.

That's why I no longer want to let others control my inner peace.
I have came such a long way from who I use to be. I learned acceptance and to find joy in the smaller things in life. also finding explanations to the things people don't often understand but experience daily. such as feeling weird when someone you don't like walks into the room or saying something then it happening.
I am a spiritual being having a human experience. I am nothing but stardust molded into a 3 dimensional object called a body. My soul is trapped until its time to become something new.
The secrets to the universe are revealed if you think in frequency, energy and vibration.
The universe responds to my positive vibrations on the daily. Everyday this month something good has happened to me.
Yesterday I bought some cds to fill my wall, with cds I want of course lol
They were 1.99 each but the lady charged me 99 cents for each one and didn't charge me for one :)
I wonder what made her do that. I wonder if all the bags I was carrying that day had anything to do with it lmao.
Dying of thirst, I went to do my eye brows and the guy said water bottles were for customers :D I was so happy, very grateful because my mind wasn't processing anything else but I WANT WATER.
Then sarah, the owner of ggdub sent me a package.She said she wanted to send me a gift and it was the shitt!! it was my motivated stoners shirt that they sell on the online store, a bunch of hemp wick (beeline my fav), and a bunch of raw papers and stickers :) I was so happy.
THEN....
I got my sublime pin. Nate sent me zig zag blunt wraps and the cutest little spoon ever just because. Ima use it as a scooper for my kief.  My pin collection is gonna grow. I want to get some pins im not too crazy about so I can trade them at festivals this summer for some that I want or will mean something. Im determine to make my hat collection grow. Im waiting for my galaxy medical marijuana one in the mail.
ALSO ITS MAY. Summercamp is on the 24th
OBJECTIVE:
Put 140 aside for bills
and the rest is for scamp.
I have 4 weeks to come up with money for my bills, which ill defenitly make in one week lol meaning I'll have my bills paid while im enjoying myself as well:)
I'm too prideful to ask my parents for money. I don't know how some people my age do it.

My boss said he is gonna buy the restaurant completely by summer. He said that he doesn't want me to go anywhere. That im going to work weekdays and he is going to make sure I make good money so I wont go anywhere else. He really likes me as a person because he can trust me. I have the opportunity to steal money when he makes me count it. I mean, im sitting in a room with no camera with about 2 ,000 in singles taking a few isn't obvious but it doesn't make it right either. Its the devil in my head that says to do it but the angel in my soul says no. I end up making good money anyways at the end of the night. Is a few dollars really worth letting Rambo win, nope.

It's all because I am in balance and in control. Change one element of your life and it change it completely.
I'm grateful for the sun who gives me light and positive direction.
I'm grateful for the moon who illuminates my nights where it lets me shine, if you catch my drift.

I been painting and getting recognition for my work by those who know who I am. I wonder what those who don't know what I am think of it.lol
Life is good.
Thank you universe.