Jay Perez

  I am going to call my first lover Jay. He was my first everything. My first love, the one who has my virginity, the one who was my first everything. We met in high school lol

Karina was a 16 year old girl who was into many things. At the time, I had long black hair, my spiderbites, gauges, skinny jeans and vans LOL I loved hello kitty and loved smoking pot. I was stealing shit always on some bebe kids shit bombing in day light, just finding a rush out of something. This is when I started to experiment with drugs and sex and anything my curious mind can seek a thrill in. I was also rowdy af so I was def on one. I also liked chilling in the hood LOL My best friend at the time was a Maniac. They all were my childhood friends so I was accepted by them.
Jay was nothing like a hood a nigga LOL My preference in a man was always someone who is bigger than me or can feel protected by.

Jay fulfilled me in so many ways. We both liked the same music and would like any songs I would. He had pretty black eyes with lashes that made him look like a sad sam puppy. He had these dimples that I adored and wanted it passed on to my child. He is the first person I trusted after my dad. He was not a virgin, but I was. He was so sweet and always wanted to make me not feel rushed or uncomfortable. My first time was so special and I can at least say I was in love. It was nothing like the movies cause then is when I realized I was a masochist LMFAO. I think it was something I been wanting to experience but I always waited for someone to come along who I can trust.

This is when I learned to trust red flags and just listen to what someone says and not trying to paint my own picture from it.
He told me he has never fallen in love so fast before. For me he fell SO FAST. But, he gets tired of people fast because he doesn't know what he wants. He doesn't want to hurt me but feels like he will.

Jay was super friendly, which is what I admire in someone. I usually watch how one treats others. But he seemed to flirt with everyone he wanted to because he was existing. He was young and so was i. And idk why I felt like I had to stay with him since I could never get my virginity back. Who the fuck was I kidding lol It is not like that would make him love me more or anything.
We lasted about 7 months in a honey moon stage but things started to get rocky and what he said would happen, did he got bored of me. I questioned my worth so much, but then knew I was the shit lol

More happened between me and jay after than during our relationship
long story short, we were good friends but we would still hook up and it was hella confusing. We were doing lots of experimenting with drugs that made us feel closer but it was all a mind game. I loved him more and more and he kept being the free spirit he was. It was painful but I learned how to love myself. I was so young when all this happened.

To my past lovers...

   Life has many meanings but I am a firm believer that a life without  love is not a life worth having. I have so much love inside me for so many things. I like to think of myself as a divine creature that finds the beauty in almost anything. Love can be one of the best things to experience in life as well as something that can be so painful. So painful, it taints ones destiny to fulfill the thoughts and plans of life.

I, myself have gone through it way too many times. It is one of my downfalls as well as giving my life much meaning. We share the world with so many people. Some people are beautiful and some people just have terrible values. The possibilities of the world keep me hopeful.

I think my first heartbreaks started with friends I thought I would be my friends forever. I have made valuable connections with interesting people who I like to call my gems in life. If you are someone who is close to me, you can count on me to catch you when you fall with no judgement. I will remind you who you are and to stay true to yourself when times get hard. I will have an open heart and mind and cherish you as you are. I will never change someone. You can cry on me. You can trust me. I will also always be transparent and truthful. I think the foundation of knowing how to care for someone starts with an unconditional love a friend can give. I cannot understand how some people can care way too much and even be judgemental over someone they openly cherish. People are weird....

I have been in 4 relationships that have impacted my life dramatically. Each one must have lasted between 2-3 years. I first fell in love when I was about 16. From 16-26 is the amount of time I spent dating. I did have breaks between but they weren't long, except in the beginning.
I want to elaborate on events that have happened in between.
This is what has molded my thoughts and views on how I want to be treated and how I don't. How I should treat someone and how I shouldn't. How I should love someone and how to not get lost in them. To the men who couldn't handle my love, I forgive you. But you don't ever forget them.