I sometimes hate

That I was too prideful to ask my parents for money at an early age. I accept it but wish I could have been different to see the kind of person i'd be. As a child I feel our minds are more aware yet again more curious then anything. Sometimes I wish I would of asked to enroll me in art classes or some kind of dance or influenced me to play an instrument.
As a kid I always saw how on tv parents were bothered when their child asked for things like that because they'd after say "Do you remember when you wanted to do ballet, or gymnastics or piano lessons" Years later I see the beauty in it. A young innocent mind wandering and exploring the different ideas of fulfilling happiness hoping they'll fall in love with one of them.

I use to always think it was a bad thing.
I often heard my parents stories on how we had it so good because my mom use to use rocks as dolls because they were so poor. I use to have a Barbie dream house with cars and multiple dolls. I had all the toys I wanted because my dad would offer to take us to toys r us on the weekends. I always accepted my parents gifts but I always felt weird asking for things.
As weird as it sounds id feel my soul tare apart when id tell my dad I wanted a PlayStation or something and he would say no. It was usually really The feeling of getting said no to really hurt. It was usually things that were overly priced or an electronic. Im not sure what it is but its like my parents implanted several ideas into my head. I think that was one of them.
I always wanted to do ballet when I was little. My sister thought it was stupid, she's someone who also made things sound silly to me, so silly I'd believe them.
I'd always fear my parents would say no. Them saying no ment only one thing, It's not worth paying the money.
I just never bothered to ask. I wish I did, I wonder if my fresh little mind would of fell in love with something that I could of said "oh I been doing this for 12 years"

When I was 15 I asked for therapy and my mom said No. She thought I was okay.
At that time ms.cooper opened up my mind to therapy. I began to talk to her because my teacher knew I was off.
I felt..bad. It made me feel right about all those times I refused to speak my mind.

I really feel like I need to get away from my family. Not because I hate them but because I love them. I cant transition into the person I want with them trying to make me feel as what I do is wrong.

My sister is someone who is still the same little girl I use to play with. My sister has honestly put me through so much, emotionally. She still does because she is the only person who makes me lose control within myself. She is the only person when she talks I just wanna bash every idea she has. Because I feel everything she has to say is stupid, possibly cus it is.
I always try to talk to her but she just doesn't seem interested. When she talks to me she seems so exited to talk about our childhood when im just like ehh. I love and hate her all at the same time.
Sometimes I wonder why she is the way she is. Shes been that way ever since we were younger.
I sometimes feel the intimidation of my cousin made her feel that way.  My cousin apparently pisses glitter now lmao
It's crazy giving your soul to someone else. Letting them have control over it when you don't even know it.

Today I see things differently. Even though I dislike her most of the time I try my hardest not to let her control me. She is the only person I snapp at without having a control over it. I got better at that but she makes me forget. She also made me realize through her example that she is someone I never wish to be. I feel as she finds excitement in negativity or maybe shes misunderstood.
ill never know, everytime I ask she shuts me down. I feel bad for her.
My parents kinda just learnd to accept her when they should have been trying to change it.
I remember telling my mom when I was little that she needed anger management. I was tired of physically fighting with her when she was gone at work or in general. I wish she didn't ignore my request. maybe she would of been better now.

I sometimes wanna remind my mom about this but im afraid of hurting her feelings and making her feel she failed as a parent.

I use to look at them and wanted to be the opposite. They seemed too uptight and cared about the wrong things. sometimes I wish they didn't have kids so early so they would of enjoyed their years. Sometimes I feel that doesn't exist in their world.

I take them all as an example of who I don't want to be, just in that category.
My dad is one of the most intelligent people I know. Intelligence isn't measured by the amount of books you read. My dad didn't even finish grammer school...
but knows how to do all sorts of things that require material I learned at school. Where did he learn it from then? Intelligent man. I mean come onnnn he can like build a fucking house lmao

My mother is just an angel. She is such a momma bear :)
I don't want to make my parents seem like they're bad people, im just focusing on their flaws as of now.
I accepted my past because I grew from it. I didn't get influenced by my sister to become like her.
I snapped out of it after a while and stop letting her control me so much.
I know the pleasures of life and found out what I like and don't.
I don't need therapy anymore. I did it all on my own.

I've never felt so in control with my life. Its been a long strange trip