Adolesence

When I talk to Aumi and who I use to be and how I perceived myself is such a mind fuck. Because I have no energy to be that person again. Sometimes I feel like if the right person does the wrong thing it can get me there again. Being so scared of the world and knowing human beings are cruel. I always felt like someone was out to intentionally hurt me.
I think of my old friends and how we no longer hold a close bond. Its still all love because I randomly pop up and tell them that I love them and miss them. But not enough to go see them, realistically. I think that's what that means even if we don't wanna admit it.
Kevin never wanted to come visit me and I feel like that's why we fell apart. Not that he had bad intentions, he was just lazy lol.
Andrea now has a baby girl. I see her like every 6 months but as of lately I haven't seen her. Its always been a problem to see her. Her friendship is one I do miss. I've never found anyone like it again.
We use to take tons of pictures and stay on the phone for hours. We'd 3 way call the boys we liked and stayed on mute. We made fun of the guys we liked. We liked the same guys and never found it weird lmao. she would always come over after school. I liked going to school cause of her. Id text her all day in class my freshman year. I got her to try pot for her first time with me lol She was such an angel, she would do about almost anything for me.
My parents adore her.

I'm not saying that my friends don't amount to her but its a different kind of friendship.
The kind you cant repeat because of the time it took place.
I can no longer gain my grammar school days, that person no longer exist.

I remember trying to distance myself from her because I felt it was too good to be true that a good person came into my life. It was fucking weird. But it didn't work. She was ment to stay.

She now has a baby girl. We had lunch when she was pregnant and told me everything as I did the same. It feels awesome not seeing someone for a while, I feel I have more to say than I already do.
Men are such douchebags, her daughter is beautiful. She was big brown eyes :)
She will start working at a hospital by my house. So I can see her more often.
Good news to lighten up my day.

I feel im on the path to find my inner peace because I don't want to live how I use to. I often feel I will fall into insanity if the right event to trigger it happens. It haunts me that day will come.

That's why I no longer want to let others control my inner peace.
I have came such a long way from who I use to be. I learned acceptance and to find joy in the smaller things in life. also finding explanations to the things people don't often understand but experience daily. such as feeling weird when someone you don't like walks into the room or saying something then it happening.
I am a spiritual being having a human experience. I am nothing but stardust molded into a 3 dimensional object called a body. My soul is trapped until its time to become something new.
The secrets to the universe are revealed if you think in frequency, energy and vibration.
The universe responds to my positive vibrations on the daily. Everyday this month something good has happened to me.
Yesterday I bought some cds to fill my wall, with cds I want of course lol
They were 1.99 each but the lady charged me 99 cents for each one and didn't charge me for one :)
I wonder what made her do that. I wonder if all the bags I was carrying that day had anything to do with it lmao.
Dying of thirst, I went to do my eye brows and the guy said water bottles were for customers :D I was so happy, very grateful because my mind wasn't processing anything else but I WANT WATER.
Then sarah, the owner of ggdub sent me a package.She said she wanted to send me a gift and it was the shitt!! it was my motivated stoners shirt that they sell on the online store, a bunch of hemp wick (beeline my fav), and a bunch of raw papers and stickers :) I was so happy.
THEN....
I got my sublime pin. Nate sent me zig zag blunt wraps and the cutest little spoon ever just because. Ima use it as a scooper for my kief.  My pin collection is gonna grow. I want to get some pins im not too crazy about so I can trade them at festivals this summer for some that I want or will mean something. Im determine to make my hat collection grow. Im waiting for my galaxy medical marijuana one in the mail.
ALSO ITS MAY. Summercamp is on the 24th
OBJECTIVE:
Put 140 aside for bills
and the rest is for scamp.
I have 4 weeks to come up with money for my bills, which ill defenitly make in one week lol meaning I'll have my bills paid while im enjoying myself as well:)
I'm too prideful to ask my parents for money. I don't know how some people my age do it.

My boss said he is gonna buy the restaurant completely by summer. He said that he doesn't want me to go anywhere. That im going to work weekdays and he is going to make sure I make good money so I wont go anywhere else. He really likes me as a person because he can trust me. I have the opportunity to steal money when he makes me count it. I mean, im sitting in a room with no camera with about 2 ,000 in singles taking a few isn't obvious but it doesn't make it right either. Its the devil in my head that says to do it but the angel in my soul says no. I end up making good money anyways at the end of the night. Is a few dollars really worth letting Rambo win, nope.

It's all because I am in balance and in control. Change one element of your life and it change it completely.
I'm grateful for the sun who gives me light and positive direction.
I'm grateful for the moon who illuminates my nights where it lets me shine, if you catch my drift.

I been painting and getting recognition for my work by those who know who I am. I wonder what those who don't know what I am think of it.lol
Life is good.
Thank you universe.